mynutsitch.com

I mean, seriously.  What’s wrong with it?

If some guy wants to spend his hard earned dough for the opportunity to have his love muscle serviced what does everyone else care?  If some woman just wants to get dicked and has some spare change, who does that hurt?

Sure, there are risks to the people involved but it could be argued that, if legalized and turned into a more professional business, many of those risks would be minimized if not eliminated altogether.

Why not turn it into a regulated industry that requires certifications and testing?  Not only for STDs and other potential dealbreakers, but for aptitude and general ability as well?  You could log on to a website with a database of all the licensed professionals and find one that scored 90% on her knob-gobbling exam or find a guy with a certified 8 inches who scored in the 98th percentile on his stamina exam.

Seriously, what’s not to like?

I’m going to go and take it even one step farther though.  I think it should even be provided to us for free or at a reduced cost, much like many other government and employer sponsored benefits.

That’s right, I think our government and employers should make sure we’re sexually satisfied.  They’ve been fucking us for years anyway, they might as well get us off while they’re at it.

All joking aside though, it just makes sense.  Why couldn’t something like this be incorporated into the benefits we already get?  The government could offer a real basic package with crappier providers (most likely MIWLFs (moms I wouldn’t like to fuck)) to the masses while private employers and agencies could offer more comprehensive packages.

You just fork over your $20 co-pay and boom…professional, high quality head or whatever else you might desire that particular day.

It’s not like there aren’t benefits to society and employers either.  Crime rates would drop dramatically as potential criminals instead spend the afternoon getting their most carnal of needs met.  Employers would enjoy increased productivity from their workers due to lower stress levels and increased employee loyalty.  Who wouldn’t be loyal to a company that installed a glory hole in all their restrooms?

I know I would.

Now, I know there are people who wouldn’t want or need to take advantage of such a program.  I know I personally wouldn’t pay for sex.  Perhaps a hummer here and there, but not sex.  That’s perfectly fine.  The whole point of such a program would be to make sure everyone got the individual level of care that they needed, with the end result being a happier population with one less stressful aspect of life to worry about.

Some people might not believe me when I infer that lack of sexual activity has an effect on one’s professional life.  You know that uptight bitch in accounting?  The one that’s just like the chick on The Office?  Yeah…I bet she’d loosen up a bit if she had just gotten pounded good and hard on her lunch break.  You know that 35 year old grouchy IT guy who shuffles around the office mumbling under his breath about how he wants to kill you all with a sharpened keyboard?  Well, that’s because he’s still a virgin and things aren’t exactly looking to change anytime soon due to that weird rash on his taint.

Can’t relate to those examples?  Well, here’s the example that inspired this entire blog.

I was being lazy and thoroughly enjoying a massive amount of incredibly good college football this weekend.  I decided to order a pizza.  Football + pizza = good.  So I place the order and the guy shows up, takes my money (including a fairly generous $6.50 tip) and takes off.  I carry my pizza up to the kitchen and open the box and this is what I find:

Now, obviously, this poor deliveryman was overworked and undersexed and decided to fuck the shit out of my pizza.  He was so deprived that the warm, gooey, cheesy goodness that was to have entered my belly was just too irresistible.

At first I was mad.  That was my goddamn pizza and it wasn’t supposed to be quite that salty for fucks sake.

But the anger quickly turned into acceptance, realizing that it wasn’t entirely his fault.  I blame the government and corporate america for his lack of control, and if my proposed program were in place I’m certain my pizza would have arrived in an unmolested state.

In his defense, though, it was a pretty damn good looking pizza.