mynutsitch.com

My sister gave me the most awesome Christmas gift ever. I apologize for not blogging about my Christmas adventures yet (oh, and there’s some good stuff) but that took a back seat to preparing for this.

And by “this” I mean my trip to outer space.

The final frontier.

Where no asstronaut has gone before.

Yes…I spelled it that way on purpose.

You see, on Christmas morning my sister handed me a small but festive gift bag containing almost everything I would need for this epic adventure. As I eagerly ripped away and crumpled the tissue paper that so gracefully concealed the gifts within, my eyes widened with anticipation. My fingers trembled as I reached down inside and pulled out this:

I was overwhelmed by emotions. I didn’t know what to say. Ever since I was a small boy I had wanted to be an asstronaut, and now my dreams were about to come true!

“Thanks. This will probably come in handy.” I muttered, attempting to disguise the tsunami of emotions that had just demolished my entire body, attempting to drown every last pleasure receptor with pure unadulterated bliss.

Ever since that moment everything else has become secondary. THIS IS MY DESTINY. I had to prepare, and fast!

Some people might say “Dude…you need more than a week to prepare for a freakin’ trip to outer space!”

Well call the Guinness Book of World Records, folks, because my ass is flying in a matter of hours.

I made sure I gathered the essential items one might need for space travel of the ass-propelled variety:

- Assless chaps to avoid wasting precious fuel by having to burn through any unnecessary layers of clothing.

- The wind-up flashlight/radio combo unit with bonus flashing emergency light feature that my grandma gave me, because I think it gets a little dark out there. Plus I’m not sure if intergalactic batteries are of the same size and voltage as the ones our earthly devices use, and in the case of an emergency the three little flashing red lights would most certainly alert everyone to my state of distress.

- Also, the plaid fleece blanket my grandma gave me. It could get cold, in which case I could easily ignite the fleece with my ass-torch to stay warm for several seconds.

- And don’t forget the Gold Bond medicated powder, because as uncomfortable as space travel might be there’s absolutely no reason to go through it without having tingly, minty fresh balls.
Clearly I had thought of everything, so I went to Taco Bell tonight and grabbed some tacos.

I carefully arranged the delightfully crunchy treats in front of me on the ottoman (shut up…I still need to buy a kitchen table) and cracked the plastic seal on the bottle of ass fuel and peeled it off.

And then I did the same with the second plastic seal that was underneath the first.

“Holy hell…this must be some potent shit!” I thought to myself, beginning to twist open the cap after looking around to make sure there were no open flames nearby.

As I poured several drops of my liquefied childhood dream onto the first taco I noticed…an odor. I brought the bottle up near my nose and took a whiff. Yikes. My hot sauce smells like the discarded byproducts of a chili oil enema.

But that does not deter me. Surely the fuel they put in the spaceships doesn’t smell that great either. And this is my DESTINY.

Knowing that this concoction would immediately exterminate any ecoli lurking amongst the beef(?) and shredded lettuce, I took a bite with several drops on it. I ignored the fact that it tasted almost exactly like it smelled and began to experience a fairly moderate burning sensation spread around my mouth like some kind of superherpes on speed.

I poured more on, keeping my eyes on the prize rather than the current flavor and smell. I tore through the rest of my fuel with the kind of precision only rivaled by the finest of monster trucks, leaving bits of lettuce and cheese behind on the paper wrappers as grim reminders of what once was.

When all was said and done I had consumed about 1/5 of the bottle. While the instructions on the bottle were far from precise, I am fairly certain this will be enough to propel me the first leg of my journey.

I must go now. My fate awaits me.

I must gather my chaps and flashlight/radio and flannel blanket and nut powder.

I will go outside and stare up at the heavens while trying to aim myself away from the building and the undoubtedly un-soft airliners overhead. I will do this with a proud smile upon my face and simply wait.

Wish me luck. I hope to return with quite possibly the greatest blog in the history of at least the past couple weeks.

If I haven’t reported back within a week or so, it was nice knowing you all. I will have died a proud, happy man. A proud, happy man wearing assless chaps with a plume of fire shooting from my flapping cheeks.

For I am an asstronaut.