mynutsitch.com

The Greatest Thing In The History Of The World(tm) happened last week at work and I feel compelled to tell you all about it. Mostly because it was funny enough to make me laugh so hard I could barely breathe, which is pretty damn difficult to do. The only thing in recent memory to do that was the episode of Family Guy where they all drank ipecac and painted their living room in a nice shade of puke green.

It was at the end of my shift on Saturday morning about 6:45am and I was outside with Will talking. It’s been pretty common lately for there to be a lot of these tiny little annoying bastard birds flying all over the place early in the morning. Well, actually most of the time the little guys are just running all over the place, which prompts me to yell at them and let them know that they have wings. Hell, if I had wings I’d be flying any chance I got…what the hell are they running around for when they could just fly?

OK, so perhaps the title isn’t completely accurate. I don’t know if the birds are swallows. The title was just too good to pass up, so bite me.

So this one particularly stupid bird, probably only about 3.5″ from beak to tail, was running around on the ground about 8-10 feet away from me gathering twigs and other various shit for his nest.

Instead of yelling at him like I usually do (they don’t really respond, just cock their head to the side and look at you funny. And sometimes poop.) I decided to try something different. I took a step in his direction to see if it would scare him at all but he only took a couple hops away from me and stared.

So then I did The Greatest Thing In The History Of The World(tm).

I spit on a bird.

It couldn’t have been more perfect. Without thinking I just let it fly and it had the perfect trajectory, power, and compensation for the wind. It was like a real life version of the perfect kill shot in Scorched Earth.

Now, when I launched my mucus missle in his general direction I never even thought that I might actually hit him. Those little fuckers are quick and not terribly trusting of people, and to hit something that small with something the size of a quarter is nearly impossible without tons of practice. And I can’t say I’ve been practicing. I figured he’d move or I’d miss horribly.

I was wrong. He just stood there and let it hit him.

After impact he dropped the grass and twigs that were in his mouth, took a surprised little hop and looked back at me with a look that could only be described as disbelief. I had no idea until that moment that it was even possible for birds to have expressions, but he was freakin’ pissed once he processed what happened. He continued to hop away (he probably would have flew if he didn’t have a goo-covered wing), stopping every couple hops to look back with a somewhat intimidating birdie death stare that somehow communicated the “You son of a bitch! What the fuck?!?!” that was obviously running through his head.

I can’t possibly be the first person to have done this, but I bet mine was the best. If bird spitting were a professional sport I’d have my own signature shoe with Nike. I’d be on ESPN13 (call your cable company now!) doing interviews with the next Stewart Scott wannabe.

Instead I’m a semi-pro computer geek and I’m sitting here writing stupid shit to put on the internet that maybe will get viewed about 75 times. Oh well, I doubt I could hit that shot again if my life depended on it. All I’m going to get out of this whole thing is, if I’m lucky, a few comments…but most likely only a whole lot more bird shit on my car from now on.

*No birds were physically harmed in the making of this blog. Emotional scarring has yet to be confirmed. Despite my actions I actually do like animals and would feel bad if I actually harmed one, but c’mon…it was funny.