mynutsitch.com

$1,611.92

That’s how much I spent after deciding to return that retardedly expensive $440 vacuum.

On what, you ask?

Sex.

I know, I know…it’s not something that someone would normally proudly announce to the world, but we’re talking about my mental health here.  A man has needs!

You might be sayin’ “Daaaamn dude, that’s a lot of money just for sex!”

Alternatively, if you’re a family member you might be saying “What!?!  I’m not getting a Christmas gift this year because you spent all your money on sex?!?!”

I really have no excuse.  I’m just a terrible, selfish bastard with poor impulse control who doesn’t know what “money management” means.

I just really missed it.  Everything about it.  I needed it.

The way she looks.  The way she feels in my arms.  Lightly tracing the smooth curves of her body with my fingertips, hinting at what is to come.  Manipulating her with my fingers, hearing the soft sounds involuntarily and uncontrollably escape her.  Having her completely at my mercy as those soft whispers slowly build up to wild, untamed screams.

Seeing her there resting afterwards, the sunlight bursting through the window and hitting her just right, accentuating the remnants left behind by the other men before me.

Wait…what?

That was kinda gross.  Awesome, but gross.

OK, before you get the wrong idea, I’m talking about this, you perverts:

Your brain sized
Yo mama sized

Cavepimp sized
Tommy Lee sized

In theory, all I need to do is carry that sweet specimen around with me and the ladies will fall helplessly into my pants.

(To clarify, that’s a Gibson Les Paul Special.  Autographed by Alice in Chains, Seether and Buckcherry.   Minus the dead Alice in Chains guy…apparently he wasn’t available or something.)

It’s really the perfect plan.

But, like all geniuses, I have a backup plan in case something goes horribly awry.  Such as if the ladies fall, but completely miss my pants and end up stabbing themselves in the face with the sidewalk.

If simply carrying around that hunk of awesomeness does not work, I also bought THIS.

The theory being that if I play it, they will come.

Now all I need to do is figure out how to play it.

So that, folks, is how I managed to spend $1611.92 on sex.

And if that doesn’t work?

Well…

Shit…

I dunno.

I guess I could make a t-shirt that says “This autographed guitar that I’m holding was purchased through an auction held by my local radio station and all $950 went to The Parry Center to help provide treatment and assistance to children with mental health problems” and try to play the sensitive angle too.

If that doesn’t work I might need to just give up.