mynutsitch.com

This is the 3rd (and final) blog in the series I created while my company was going through massive layoffs.

What kind of jobs would I be qualified for?

Boy band

I can’t believe I even gave this any serious thought.

But I did.

And now I want to shoot myself because it ended up being so long and detailed it deserved it’s very own blog.

On the surface it looks like a dream gig.  Money, fame, women, the ability to sport otherwise ridiculous facial hair without shame…what’s not to like?

A lot.

Money?  Sure…if you sell enough records and tour around constantly.  Selling lots of records (particularly in a boy band) requires making crappy, cookie cutter music.  I do possess the general lack of talent required to crank out shitty music.

I don’t, however, own any cookie cutters.  I will never buy any.  If someone gave me some as a gift I’d probably throw them at the nearest riced out retardmobile with a wing perched on the back that looks like it was stolen off a small airplane, preventing anyone from ever opening the trunk again.

Just to see some pussy in an Abercrombie shirt cry.

Cookies aren’t meant to be molded into funny shapes just because someone has grown to expect one shaped like a pumpkin around Halloween or a tree around Christmas.  Cookies are meant to be fucking eaten, enjoyed, and then pooped out later.

I think I may have just made a point there but I totally just lost my train of thought.  Hehe…poop.

Oh yeah….fame.  Fame isn’t something I’d like that much.  I don’t need the media picking apart every detail of my life.  Oddly enough I can’t think of anything that would really come back to haunt me (yet), but I’m sure that means they’d just make stuff up.

Had diarrhea on Halloween and shit in someone’s jackolantern?  No way.  OK, well I might do something like that but I haven’t (yet).  Offered to buy 100 boxes of thin mints if that girl scout’s mom would give a homeless guy a rim job?  OK, well I might do that too.  I’m not doing a very good job here, but I like my privacy and pretty much keep to myself a lot of the time…I don’t need that crap.

Plus I say inappropriate shit all the time.  They would have a FIELD DAY with the sound bytes I gave them on a regular basis.  The tabloids would be full of rumors about our upcoming greatest hits album that is 70 minutes of silence, the supposedly verified accounts of a brutal slap fest between rival boy bands that ended with everyone crying and going to get ice cream, and the rumors of my tour manager being a former fluffer behind the scenes of Dustin Diamond’s porn video.

Women?  What women?  All the screaming fans are LITTLE GIRLS.  Most of the damn teenagers these days could easily pass for 18+, which makes it even more treacherous.  No wonder there are so many sick bastards going after 10 year olds these days….all the 14 year olds look legal.

Wait…did I just essentially say I understand where a pedophile is coming from?  OK, just checking.  (hey, it’s not like you’ve never fucked a teenager before…shut up.  You might have been in your teens too, but you did it.  Oh wait…I forgot who I was talking to for a second…my bad)

So far this has never come up as an issue for boy band members though, because all the boy fans generally look their age.

Yeah, so I don’t think it’d work out.

Plus I’d want to punch all my “band”mates in the throat.  Every second of every day.

And then there’s the whole “terrified of being in front of large audiences” thing…