mynutsitch.com

In case you missed it, you should at least skim part 1 so you know what the hell I’m talking about.  I know hardly anyone read it.  I’m psychic.

And when I say psychic I mean “capable of looking at the blog counter”.

Fuckers.

So this is part 2 of the possible career changes I am considering depending on what all happens at work over the next few months.  It was just too damn long to put in one blog without people passing out halfway through.  Sue me.

Garbage Man

Hey, I hear it pays pretty well and it probably doesn’t require much in the way of qualifications so it made the list.

It also got dropped from the list.

Approximately 32 seconds after I thought of it.

Today’s modern garbage man barely even has to lift a finger compared to his predecessors.  With all the mechanical grabbing arms and whatnot it would actually probably be a cakewalk.

I still couldn’t deal with it.

Why?  The smell.

That smell permeates everything.  Clothes, hair, skin, hairy skin…yeah, I’d be fucked.  My balls would smell like fully ripened dirty diapers mixed with 2 week old hamburger helper.  Er…well, even more than normal.

Food would taste like it.  Pizza would taste exactly the way my balls smell.  My normally sweet and sometimes crunchy boogers would be ruined forever!  The horror!

It would be lying in wait inside my every pore, just waiting to assault every unsuspecting victim that made the mistake of wandering too close.

I’d like to eventually have sex again someday.

Preferably not with a fellow garbage man.

Porn Star

People that know me in person started laughing their asses off the moment they saw those two words.  They still are.  They will be for quite a while.

People that have actually slept with me may be laughing so hard they’re in danger of suffering an aneurysm, heart attack, or even worse…they might shit their pants in front of a loved one with a camera.

If you know such a person I strongly urge you to check on their wellbeing immediately.

It’s OK, I’ll wait.

Done?  Everyone stable and/or cleaned up?  No?  That’s fine…I’ll be here.

Ready yet?

Oh for fuck’s sake…it wasn’t that funny.  Get a hold of yourself.  I’m trying to blog here!

Alright.

So aside from any physical…uh….shortcomings, there’s just no way that this is a viable option either.  With the exception of the very few big-named stars, men in the porn industry make very little money at all.  Usually just a couple hundred bucks per movie.

Now, getting paid in orgasms sounds like a pretty fucking sweet deal at first.  Hell yeah!  Where do I sign up?

But I can only imagine the look on my apartment manager’s face if crawled into her office on the first of the month, obviously sweaty, disoriented and out of breath, and slid a still warm jar full of my baby batter across her desk.

Somehow I just don’t think that would fly.

Maybe for a Comcast bill, but not rent.