mynutsitch.com

I told myself I wasn’t going to share any more personal info in my blogs but, honestly, I’m not sure what else to do.  I really feel like you and I have made some sort of connection and…well, the couple people I tried talking to in person just looked at me weird for a minute and then laughed at me.

I apologize if this isn’t the best written blog in the world but I’m really freaking out right now.  It’s hard to write when I’m all wound up like this, so bear with me because I really need some advice.  I have no idea what to do or where to go from here.  I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before.

I’m not positive, but I think I might have been raped.

Not just the run-of-the-mill rape that I was hoping would happen last weekend (hey, before I started feeling sick it was looking fairly promising).

This was some freaky shit.

I just moved into this new place a month ago so I’m still getting settled in and getting used to all the little quirks and whatnot, but for the most part everything has been business as usual.

Except I’ve been having a bit of trouble sleeping.  I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep any day last week.  I didn’t think too much of it because I’ve had some problems in the past, but with a brand new incredibly comfortable bed and a pretty quiet environment (thanks to the practically new building with excellent insulation) I really had no good explanation for it.

Until now.

I think my place is haunted.  Like, by a ghost or something.

And I think the ghost raped me.

Stop laughing, fucker!  Shit…I knew this was a bad idea.  Goddamnit…let me explain!  STOP IT!  This is really hard for me…try and be a little compassionate, asshole…

You done now?  OK, good…let me explain.

So I wake up the other day a good 2 hours before my alarm is supposed to go off.  Great…3 hours of sleep.  Except something is wrong.  I am lying on my back, which is not the way I usually sleep.

OK…odd.  Whatever.  So I start to roll my naked body out of the bed and end up practically having to peel my legs off the sheets.  Um…ok.  That happens.  Must have been a great 3 hour dream.  No big deal.

But then I notice the size of the wet spot.

Whoa…that’s a good quarter of the bed…not normal.

As much as I’d like to think so, my balls simply don’t hold that much.

Holy shit…it’s EVERYWHERE.  My wang is plastered to my leg and partially tangled in a sticky but slightly-crunchy-in-spots matted up hair jungle.  I think there’s some in my belly button, and I’m pretty sure that’s a glob or two on the dresser!  What the…the ceiling?!  I have vaulted ceilings!  What in the holy hell happened?!

I’m a pretty heavy sleeper but this is ridiculous!  There’s no way anyone could have gotten in…I lock my doors and have an alarm system.  I know I wasn’t drunk and I’m positive I’d remember if I brought someone home…

So it must have been a ghost.  There’s no other possible explanation.  I’m positive of it.

That explains the lack of sleep.  The ghost was feeling me out.  Oh man…that explains the “morning wood” too.  I’ve been getting molested.

Oh man…I feel violated!  That’s just not cool, man.  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t consent to ghost sex if I were awake…

Unless maybe she was cute.  Oh man…I hope she was cute.  Please let her be cute.  With big, perky, almost completely translucent titties.

Oh man…I wasn’t wearing protection!  Shit…I hope she was on the pill or something.  Can ghosts swallow pills?  The last thing I need right now is a half living, half dead baby in 9 months.

Son of a bitch…she better not have an STD!  Oh shit…I’m a little itchy…do I have little ghost crabs now?  How can I even tell?  Is there even a test for that?

Jesus…maybe she died of HIV!

I think I’m going to be sick.

Oh.  My.  God.

What if it wasn’t a she.

Oh shit…I don’t think it was.  I think I was molested and raped by a fruity little gay ghost.  Probably with little ghost crabs and HIV, and apparently possessing a much larger testicular capacity than I.  I’m covered in gay ghost goo.  Oh no…okay, good…ass isn’t sore.  Spackled shut with jizz but I think it was just from the runoff that traveled south.  Ewww, gross…he got it in my chest hair…that doesn’t just come out with soap and water.

Oh man…now I’m sure I’ll throw up.  It was a little gay ghost…I’m almost completely positive now.

That tastes just a tad more bitter and salty than mine normally does.