mynutsitch.com

It has come to my attention that some people believe I have “gone soft.”

In fact, I even lost a blog subscriber yesterday, presumably after they read that particular blog.  (Don’t ask me who…I can’t keep track…I can barely remember the name of the girl I talked to on the phone 5 minutes ago, let alone keep track of all of you)

Well, never fear.  I’m about as soft as a 13 year old boy on the set of a porno.  (Provided he isn’t blind and deaf…) 

I’m about as soft as spirited oral sex from this guy:

I’m about as soft as a full body hug from a randy 18ft crocodile.

I’m about as soft as a “Brokeback Mountain” reenactment attempted by a 42 year old man with his pet porcupine.

I’m about as soft as a medieval mace being repeatedly hammered up your ass, with a slight twisting motion mid-stroke.

You get the point.

I’ll get back to my normal, completely-unmarketable-as-a-fabric-softener-mascot, non-soft blogs soon.  In the meantime, here are a couple interesting stories I stumbled across, with my comments in red:

A 5-year-old boy in Broward County, Fla., preparing to enter kindergarten, is believed by gender-identity experts to be the youngest kid in the country whose family supports his decision to live completely as the other sex (according to a May profile in New Times Broward-Palm Beach). The parents doubt that the unnamed now-girl (dubbed “Nicole Anderson” in the article) is “just going through a phase,” because of “her” early, constant, and insistent female preferences and comments, e.g., “I want the fairy princess to come and make my penis into a vagina.” [New Times Broward- Palm Beach, 5-18-06]

Obviously this kid hasn’t really thought things through.  Everyone knows that, when requesting a visit from the fairy princess for a penis to vagina conversion procedure, that you definitely need to specify that the testicles be converted to ovaries as well.  I’ve heard it’ll set you back another $2k, but it will definitely save the embarrassment of having danglies under your slit.  That makes for awkward moments later in life, let me tell ya…

And in Williston, N.D., in March, Ryan Wright, 20, was arrested for bank robbery, even though he insisted that all he did was walk in to the bank wearing a ski mask and demand money, before saying, “Just kidding” and leaving. [ABC News- AP, 3-8-06]

In other news, this guy went out on a date 2 weeks prior to the bank incident.  He did almost everything right except, when the girl went to go down on him in the car at the end of the night, he stopped her and said “HA HA!  Just kidding, bitch!  Oh man…I totally had you thinking I liked you, didn’t I!  Got ya!!!  Get out of the car.”

If you’re going to do all the work and someone’s just about to hand (or mouth) you the reward, just fucking go with it.  Take the freebie that you earned and disappear.  Quickly.