mynutsitch.com

Based on a true story 

CAPE GIRARDEAU, Mo. - A local man got a little bit more than he bargained for while patrolling the grounds of the Cape Rock Water Treatment Plant Tuesday night.

Mitch Walter, who has been single for the past 6 years, was cruising around in his golf cart “Just kinda spacing out I guess. Thinking about how alone I am. At work. At home. Totally alone. I haven’t even talked to a woman in 6 months, so I sorta expressed my desire for a certain part of the female anatomy out loud.”

Out of nowhere a small rabbit hopped into his golf cart, followed almost immediately by a 25 pound bobcat.

“I just about fuckin’ shat myself” mumbled Walter.

“He did fuckin’ shit himself” said his buddy Earl, who claims to have seen the stained pants that Walter wore that evening.

“Yeah, well I saw Earl fuck a sheep. Twice.” Walter retorted.

After allegedly soiling himself, Walter responded in the only logical way possible: by giving the confused feline a good shove.

“Well, the dumbass tried to jump out on his own and slammed into the windshield, so I decided to help him out. It seemed like a good idea at the moment, but it got pissed and scratched up my neck, which kinda sucked.”

The bobcat confirmed Walter’s story. ”I was a little disoriented after smashing my face into that Plexiglas windshield. I admit, maybe I shouldn’t have scratched the guy…but he shoved me pretty hard.”

“Afterwards we both had a pretty good chuckle once we realized what happened” said the bobcat. ”I bought him a beer and offered to pay for his rabies shots.”

Walter agreed that after the initial shock wore off the whole situation was pretty damn hilarious. ”I mean, there I was just hoping I’d get some pussy and for once God actually listened. But he totally fucked it up. He must really hate me or something.”

When reached for comment, God said “I definitely don’t hate Mitch, I was just having an off day. Do you realize how many requests I get every minute? A metric fuckton of them, that’s how many. Plus, people never seem to consider the fact that English isn’t my native language. There’s bound to be some things lost in translation here and there. For Christ’s sake, give me a break.”

He added “I do regret the misunderstanding though. I’ll try to make it up to him sometime. I can’t honor that original request though. I mean, seriously…there’s only so much I can do. Have you seen the guy?”