mynutsitch.com

I really hate people.

Not like it’s a big secret or anything. Hell, I spend the vast majority of my day trying to minimize my contact with other people. If I didn’t you’d probably see a breaking news story on the 5 o’clock news about some crazy guy that went on a face-punching spree and the ensuing standoff where he is now holed up in a dollar store threatening to repeatedly punch some white-trash baby. (You know…because babies are fucking assholes.)

I can’t help it. Everyone is just so damn annoying.

Take my neighbors, for example.

For the most part my neighbors are alright. On the left I have a couple around my age who seem pretty cool aside from their somewhat frequent loud conversations about vibrators (yeah…I dunno either). On the right, however, is a couple who are in their mid/late 30’s with several kids. They’re what most people would consider “fake rich”, with their 2 very nice expensive cars and a bunch of toys that they use to try and impress their friends that visit somewhat regularly.

The other night the wife had several of her incredibly annoying friends over to do whatever annoying bitches do. Probably comparing the cars their husbands leased for them or taking turns feeling each others’ boob jobs and exclaiming how real they seem. Wait, that’s kinda hot. Not really what I was going for. Whatever.

Now, everyone knows that the ultimate bitch accessory is a tiny, annoying little useless dog. And one of them brought theirs with her, probably because it would piss itself with anxiety if it were left home alone without mommy for a few hours. So, instead of leaving it home, they dumped it in the backyard and closed the sliding screen door.

That was important for several reasons:

1. It allowed the useless shivering little piss factory to witness its owner mere feet away, with no way of actually getting to her.

2. It allowed all of the audible types of annoyingness to escape the normally enclosed house, polluting my normally quiet outdoor smoking sanctuary.

3. It allowed items 1 & 2 to combine in what was probably the awesomest thing that could have possibly happened given that particular scenario.

Seeing as how it was 11pm and there was a fence in the way I couldn’t really see the following, but I sure as hell heard it.

Obviously distraught by being left out of the festivities, the little fucker started barking, whining, moaning, pawing at the screen door and otherwise trying to attract attention. It was loud enough to cut through the shitty music and obnoxious grating voices that were loud enough to spill out into the night, so they just yelled at it to shut up.

After about 30 minutes of it I was considering my options because, not only was it getting late, but all the damn noise was getting the other neighborhood dogs riled up too, making the problem even worse.

Right as I was about to go over and shit on the hood of her BMW the dog made its move.

Faced with no other options, after being out there for a good 45 minutes and making noise the entire time only to be yelled at, the little whining pile of shit decided to take matters into his own hands. Er…paws.

*RIP*

*RIIIP*

*RIIIIIIIP*

*Scream*

Huh. Turns out those screen doors really aren’t all that tough.

In a span of mere seconds the neglected little pup made short work of that screen door and was now tearing through the house. Things were being broken and I’m pretty sure at least a couple wine glasses had been dropped as the helpless whores just screamed as the rabid beast roamed free, unleashing a torrent of pent up energy.

Oh, and pissing everywhere as it ran.

The shrieking and madness continued for at least a couple minutes until someone herded the pint-sized terror back out the door, this time closing the actual sliding glass door after thoroughly scolding him.

The little guy was left outside for some time, presumably while they assessed the damage and started the post-Dogtrina rebuilding effort. It went back to its whining after a few minutes, but I didn’t care.

Because that was fucking awesome.